Even if Thankful
Be anxious for nothing.
Pour out your heart before Him.
He is for you.
He hears my prayers.
He has a plan for you.
Like a tree.
Streams of water.
His leaf will not wither.
Let him prosper in his whatever.
He has been faithful. He will be again.
On my knees. Reaching
out to my prayer warriors. Trusting. Waiting. Hoping. Trusting more. Reminding of “even if”. Believing the Red
Sea. Knowing it would have to be Him and waiting anxiously for it. Knowing He would get the glory for all of it. Knowing He could. Knowing He was able. Stumbling through another “even if”. Eagerly
watching. Hopeful in my waiting. Interceding. Bringing him before the Throne. Reminding him of His past faithfulness. 100% confidence He would do it again.
Nothing.
Nothing that I could tell.
Week after week. Month after month. Prayers answered, but not every one. Not THE one.
Not the one I placed importance
on in that moment. Oh, prayers had been
answered. I had been on my knees for so
many things. Roommate. Friends. Classes. Major. Grover. All answered.
I was watching first hand my God work.
Until He didn’t. Until it didn’t
seem good. Until it wasn’t good. Until He fell short. God kept bringing to mind in everything with
prayer and supplication with thanksgiving…I was thankful because I knew God
would part the Red Sea. He would make
loaves and fishes. Leftover
baskets. Beyond what we could ask or
hope for. Until it wasn’t. My God fell short of what we asked for. Where was the beyond? I just stood in silence. Surprise.
Shock even. Because I had known
He would. He always had. But had He?
I don’t want even if. I didn’t like the even if. Not in that moment. I didn’t like the moment of
disappointment. Of knowing He would. But
He didn’t. Momentary sad. Frustration. Defeat. My prayers didn’t work. As if I had anything to do with
anything. But I had believed He
would. I had been certain of it. He always had.
Or had He.
In my brain, He had.
Looking back over my life. Oh so
faithful. Everything had worked
out. Holy hindsight I like to call
it. I had the unique perspective of a
rearview mirror. I see a husband coming
to salvation. I see four children when
the doctors said only two. I see
protection overseas in combat zones.
Falls that should have been worse.
Car accidents avoided. Jobs
provided. Friends after a move. Hearts changed. Lives transformed by the Gospel. Four baptisms. Teachers. Entrance
letters. So much good. So much to be thankful for.
What I forget is the unanswered. The waits.
The nos. The not that but
this. The bad. The hard. The even if moments.
All overshadowed by the end.
The plans He knows He has for me.
The I wouldn’t believe it if He had told me. The what I needed vs the what I wanted.
I am back to my I Believe button. When life doesn’t make sense. When it’s hard and I don’t want it to
be. When good isn’t His best. I’m back.
I’m trusting. I’m claiming His
promises. Even if it doesn’t seem like
He is faithful. Even if it doesn’t seem
like this is His best. Even if it doesn’t
feel good. Even if it makes it
hard. Even if I have to watch my
children walk through hard. Even if the
tears come. Even if I am back on my
knees. Even if my prayers now are
different.
Because I know Truth.
Because I know Him. Because I have
a history of watching Him be great. And
good. And faithful. And able.
And compassionate. And
worthy.
I am in the middle of Even If. And I am still thankful.
