Thursday, January 8, 2015
Go. Be a Peacock Lil. Part 1
Secret Keepers tell a story on their tour this year….
There once was a beautiful, colorful peacock who thought she was a chicken who happened to live with a brood of plain chickens behind a chain fence. Although the only one in the brood who was a peacock, she didn't see herself as any different and everyday she spent trying to act like the other chickens.
Day after day she would try her best to act more and more like a chicken. The more and more she tried to act like a chicken the more she didn't fit in. The more she didn't fit in the more she tried to act like the plain chickens around her. She had a very miserable life trying to fit in to a group she was never intended to fit in with.
One day a beautiful bird in the distance flew gracefully down and began to slowly walk around. As this bird walked, its tail feathers began to spread into the most beautiful, colorful fan of color. The peacock was mesmerized by this beautiful bird. She watched it for hours and couldn't take her eyes off of it. As she watched this magnificent creature, she pulled away from the plain brood of chickens behind her. Eventually, it was her alone by the fence.
"You know you are a just like that bird right?"
"What do you mean?" asked the peacock who thought she was a chicken. As she looked to her side, it was the oldest chicken in the brood that had sidled up beside her and was looking in the distance too at this amazing creature.
"That's a peacock. My dear. You are a peacock."
"I. Am.??" The thought baffled the peacock who thought she was a chicken and she had to know more.
"You are just as beautiful. You are just as unique. No one has ever told you to go. Go. Be a peacock."
"But this fence…?" The thought of joining up with that amazing bird was unfathomable.
"You can fly. You are a peacock. For all this time you have been trying to be something you are not. You are not like the others. You are not a chicken. You are a peacock. Go. Be a Peacock."
With a deep breath and a quick pause, the peacock spread her beautiful wings, flew over the fence and gracefully landed a few feet from the other peacock. As she landed the beautiful bird in front of her, slowly and steadily spread the most beautiful tail feathers she had ever seen. Something inside of her began to tingle and before the peacock knew it, she had a fan of feathers surrounding her body that she had never seen before. She was a peacock. She was not a chicken. She would spend the rest of her life being the peacock God had created her to be.
Every run began the same way. I would begin my run clearing my head and turning my thoughts to God. I would pray. I would thank God for Who He was, what He was doing, and what He had done. I had been a Christian for about 4 years and I was growing. God was blessing us with our third child and I was due in January. Everyday I had started praying specifically for a little girl. Although I couldn't imagine having a girl, I knew that was a desire of my heart; to have a baby daughter.
I had very much enjoyed my times as a boy mommy to the two that God had blessed us with, but the what if….always stayed with me. What if we had a girl? What if the baby inside was a girl? The more I prayed the stronger my desire became and at times it felt wrong. I had come to want a girl more than anything I could think of. I kept praying that God would give me a little girl. I knew Hannah had prayed specifically for a boy, so I was sure my specific prayer for a girl was not wrong, but I couldn't shake the guilt my request was becoming somewhat of an idol.
One day standing in line to check out at Walmart with my two sweet boys, There was a teenage girl and a mother in front of me having a very heated discussion. Not wanting to eavesdrop I kept my boys engaged in conversations about things around us and in our buggy. Lots of eye rolling and a few, "Watch your mouth"s, I knew things were not good.
"I'm going to wait in the car. You can do this by yourself!" and with that the teenage girl stomped away. Very disrespectfully. The mother caught my eye and with a look of apology, she just timidly shrugged her shoulders and began unloading the overloaded cart by herself. Big tears began to spill down her cheeks. Slowly, I walked over and began to help her unload.
"Do you know what you are having?" she asked as if to smooth over the awkwardness.
"I don't. We already have two boys, so I guess in a way I am assuming a third boy."
"You can only hope. Whatever you do, pray you don't have a girl like mine." And with that the clerk told her the amount, she paid, and was walking out before her comment had time to sink in. That was it. That's what my prayer had been missing. The peace I felt from that moment was like a direct encouragement from God.
The next morning on my run, not much changed, except my heart for this growing baby inside of me and my prayer.
"Dear God. You know my desire is to have a baby girl. I pray for a little baby girl but only if she would grow to honor and love you all the days of her life. I pray for a little baby girl who loves You. If that is Your will, I will teach her to love and serve you. If not, then I will thank you forever for the sweet boy you bless me with. Amen"
The amazing thing was the peace I felt. I was suddenly ok with whatever God choose to bless our family with. I knew He knew better. He would only give me a daughter if she did not have a rebellious heart and He would give me a boy if He knew that is what we needed. The gender would be perfect for our family and I was full of the peace I had been wanting.
In October, we went for our 6 month ultrasound and we were excited to find out what the gender would be. In my heart, I believed it would be a boy. I just knew from the peace and change of heart over the past month. That strong desire for a girl only at any cost was gone so my heart was content with the thought of a third boy. I truly believed God had taken away the desire for a girl, because only He could know.
As the tech pushed the sensor over my belly, he said, "Do you want to know?"
Immediately Patrick asked if he could guess. After looking at the screen, he went behind my head and said, "I will hold up one for a boy and two for a girl." Instantly, the tech looked up at his fingers and said, "Nope." My heart smiled although I had a thought of loss for just a moment. You see, Patrick had said the entire time that we were having a girl so I assumed he had held up two fingers. As the tech and Patrick looked intently at the screen, I had a moment to myself. I remember saying a quick prayer, "Thank you God for this baby. Thank you that you will give me a child who will honor you, not one who will have a rebellious heart." And with that I was ready to welcome baby boy #3 to our family.
The tech called the head ultrasound tech in to confirm what he had seen and his comment was, "That's girl country right there!"
What. What?? What?!? Big tears of joy rolled down my face as I sat up to see the evidence of the desire of my heart that God had given me. I was in shock. He knew my heart. He knew my desire had been a child I could raise for His glory. He gave me a daughter. A baby girl.
Thoughts of a shy, quiet girl sitting still beside me with a beautiful pink dress and her hand in mine came to mind. But this is not what God's thoughts were. That was not the girl He had created for me. He created a Lillie. And she would rock my world.