My Moment

(Lillie talking to Daddy)

I got in the car this morning to run a few last minute errands. My mind was focused on my list of things to do and the order of the stops in which they were to come. The kids were with my in-laws and the car was empty. This song came on the radio complete with dub-ins of little children's voices. I could barely listen to the first few lines before I had to change it. I know the people who put it together did it to honor our troops, but for those of us walking through this season of military life, it is the most painful thing to listen to. I found the words and could barely read them without crying.

I'm Already There

by Lonestar

He called her on the road from a lonely cold hotel room
Just to hear her say, "I love you one" more time
But when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughin' in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
A little voice came on the phone
Said, "Daddy when you comin' home?"
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know, I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there

She got back on the phone
Said, "I really miss you darlin'"
"Don't worry about the kids they'll be alright
Wish I was in your arms, lyin' right there beside you
But I know that I'll be in your dreams tonight
And I'll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shinin' down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there 'til the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh I'm already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there 'til the end
Can you feel the love that we share?
Oh I'm already there
Oh I'm already there

I pulled over and cried. I miss my husband. I am in the midst of this joyous season and I AM joyful. I truly am. I wasn't at the beginning of December. I was carrying around a burden on my own. Two very good friends walked me gently through my moment. Listening and leading but also speaking the Truth that God was trying to use. Through that moment, I still have my minutes of "sad" but I am walking in God's Peace this Christmas.

"For a child will be born to us, a Son will be given to us: and the government will rest on His Shoulders, and His Name will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace." ~Isaiah 9:6

This Christmas it is the Prince of Peace I will worship, not the tiny baby but the God man. I needed that name so much this month and believe it or not, it has allowed me to find joy in this season, even with Patrick gone. I know my Savior and this Christmas His Peace runs deep.

God has walked me through this holiday season and I am growing so much, but I have still have my moments of missing the very one God so richly blessed my life with.

Today I had one. I am sad he is missing all of this. I am sad for him. He is the one alone. I complained to him this week about being alone, but I am surrounded by people and family. I was kicking myself for that pity party. He is alone. He is missing his fudge. He is missing opening presents, looking at Christmas lights, reading Christmas stories and watching Charlie Brown's Christmas. He loves the cold and the warm fire. He loves Christmas smells, decorating, and going for walks. He is missing his grandmother's cornbread dressing, poo-poos on Christmas Eve. He is missing kissing his little girls goodnight and wrestling with his boys. He is missing quiet nights on the couch and having people who love him near. He is missing a Christmas tree, presents, and "Christmas in the Stars." I would love to close my hands on his sweet face and tell him how much he is missed. I hope he knows that his family, even though swimming in holiday "stuff," think of him at every turn. A mention of him as we eat his favorite meal, his name when we are looking at lights, commenting how much Daddy would love the weather being cold, and even the tears as we pray for him at night before bed.

I thought of all of this sitting in my car in a random parking lot. I am thankful though. I am peaceful. I am joyful. He and I serve the same great God and I know He is celebrating Christmas, even though thousands of miles apart, in the same way I am. Thankful, so very thankful, for that Baby who became our Savior. The tears stopped, I prayed for the moment, the song was over, and I again focused on my list before me.

And I'm missing him. It was my moment.